The ups and downs of a jewelry designer, slash dreamer.

My very simple jewelry sidewalk set up,
on a NON sunny California day.

This past weekend I had a hard time wanting to set up my jewelry stand at the local surf shop, Mission Surf. I had done it two days in a row at that point, and three times the week before. It's pretty incredible to be able to work for myself. Being able to sit outside in the warm (mostly) California sun is pretty amazing. I regularly set up my jewelry tables in a part of San Diego, California, that is known for partying and day-drinking. I come into contact with a lot of young, drunk people. After a while it gets annoying to have to interact with drunk people, and watch them closely so they don't knock over my display. It's disappointing seeing such spastic behavior ranging from college kids to adults well into their 50's. My hope is that their stuper is not a regular activity. After a while it's as if  they are not actually individuals passing by. I see the same shenanigans, insecurities, arrogance, loud-mouthed, group-clowns, chemical dependent, and sloppy-drunk personalities; who are always in an altered state of mind.

Not only does my clientele consist of mostly drunks, I don't always make the best profit. Sometimes I walk away with no sales at all. That's a risk I'm aware of and willingly take. This weekend I hit a breaking point and Sunday, just after waking up, I started crying. I felt like I'd been putting in more work and getting little in return. At the rate I'm going, it's financially not worthwhile long-term.  I ultimately know that jewelry is not my "destiny" and it's not what I'm meant to do well into my senior years. I never believed it was anyway, but I didn't know my desire to do it as a form of income would begin to wane this soon. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I love the creative process. I get giddy at seeing my designs completed, and I love how I feel a download of creativity during the process. Maybe I'm gifted, or perhaps I just know how to tap into a source, or a "muse" as Steven Pressfield calls it in his book The War of Art . Ultimately, I enjoy the creative aspect.

I have to acknowledge that I am living a dream I've had for years. I created a vision board years ago and repeatedly wrote and spoke of my desire of living by the beach, waking up when I wanted, and having the freedom to walk my dog anytime of the day. I achieved that dream! And surprisingly (or not) I didn't reach the level of happiness and eternal bliss I thought I might. Lesson learned. Looking back I'm just stoked that I took the steps to at least pursue the gutsy dream of leaving the work force and doing my own thing.

Perhaps I'm seeking to find my "flow", something where I lose track of time and can generate enough income to where I'm not scraping by. Somewhere within me there is a disconnect, and I'm on a path to finding it. After journaling my frustrations Sunday night, I realized it was time to fast and drink only liquids with the intention of getting clarity and direction. I've fasted before and have always experienced insight. As of today, I'm on my third day of fasting and have gone 65 hours without food. That's not the point though. I stated previously I'm on a journey, a little self discovery, and I'm in a state of inquiry. It's not like what I have experienced before. For example, I've always looked at "what's next." No, this time it's different, it's deeper and I can't put it into words. As of right now, I have little insight and I'm remaining open.

Sunday, my first day of fasting.
Note the gallon of water in hand.

As part of my fasting, I've been reading books and watching documentaries that seem to "call" to me. I watched Euphoria today. It's a peculiar film, but a few things were mentally stimulating to say the least. I had an "ah-ha" moment when the narrator stated the following:

"What a paradox our nature is, to offer us euphoria as a reward for pursuing something else. To make happiness unattainable as a goal, but then supply it plentifully along the paths we find most meaningful.  And to provide the best escape from the tedium of day to day, when we engage most deeply."

I'll leave it at that. As for now, my heart and mind remain ajar.